As many of you know my close cousin Jessica passed away on 4/11. It was terribly heartbreaking for our family. Her service here in Northern California, will be Saturday, April 25, 2009 at 5:30pm at the Calvary Chapel of Gridley. Located at 210 Park Street (the corner of Park and Cedar Streets) in Gridley, California.
Jessica has been a big part of my entire life. From when we moved up to
Colusa in '90 to now. I honestly believe if it weren't for the Internet, we would have been so close these past few years. Jessica and I reconnected via myspace/facebook about 2-3 years ago. We would exchange emails, comments, and messages daily to each other. Late night talks also became frequent between us. We could talk for hours on end and NEVER run out of stuff to say to each other. Even if we spent the majority of the day talking to each other online as well.
Jessica was very happy living with her husband Matt in Mesa, Az. Well she wasn't CRAZY about the summers there, but she truly seemed happy. She came for a visit last summer, and had plans to be here this summer. I kick myself now, because we didn't take pictures when she was down last summer. We just forgot I guess. We spent good time together though. Really good time. We even stayed up ALL night one night talking... Jess, Nikki, Ashley and myself. It was great to just catch up like that.
I was very angry for a long time, and possibly always will be angry about her passing. I know everyone says she's better where she is, but I can't believe this is true. Jessie loved babies. All her life that's all she ever wanted. She never got that chance, I feel like she was cheated out of her life. She wasn't done. There was so more she still needed to get done. We would talk about the future together forever. We were supposed to be old ladies together sitting on the porch arguing with one another, still listening to Hip Hop trying to be cool in our animal print hot pants. I don't know if I'll ever be at peace with her passing, all I can do is pray that one day I will be.
I hope Saturday will bring her family and dear friends a little bit of closure. Some of us could not attend the service in Mesa, Az. I know for me personally, its been a really rough road.
As excited as I am to see family this weekend, I wish everyday it wasn't for this reason. She was truly one of my best friends. I looked up to her so much for years and years now. I feel so lost sometimes. When I look at pictures of her its so hard for me to actually believe that she's gone. My heart feels like its been torn into hundreds of pieces and all I can find is scotch tape to mend it. It'll never be the same.
I've been really feeling sorry for myself these past few weeks, and the light finally went off in my head... She wouldn't want me to act or feel this way. She'd probably smack me in the forehead and tell me to knock it off. Then she'd wrap me in one of her hugs that only Jessica could give. You know those hugs...
Jess I love you so very much. I'll never ever forget our lifetime of memories we shared. Thanks for everything!
Jessica Michelle Terry Self
May 19, 1976-April 11, 2009
Thanks for sharing Lani. My heart aches for the loss we all going through and holds an extra measure of that pain for you. Thank you for sharing your heart and memories. I too wish we would have taken pictures in August of all you girls together, but am soooo very thankful that the time was spent together with so much laughter and love.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought... Jessica is finally holding those babies she always longed for (all four that she miscarried). Maybe that doesn't help at this point to hear (and I'm sorry if saying this causes you ANY more pain), but I know it has helped me smile... that her biggest wish finally came true.
I don't know what else to say... other than I'm here if you need ANYTHING and I love you.
Oh Lani, I wish we could have met. You sound like such a strong sprit led woman. My heart is so heavy about her passing. Watching her at the hospital on Saturday during the early morning will never leave my mind. I pray that the Lord will erase the painful parts of her life from our memories and help us remember all of the joyful times. She was and is a awesome person. My heart aches daily for her, I keep forgetting she is gone form this earth. My friend who had a baby boy pass away this last year asked me to ask Jess to rock him for her until she can do it herself. I said I was sure Jess was already rocking them all, as many as she can hold at one time.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need anything I hope you contact me. Praying for you guys this next weekend. I am watching her baby Meeko. I am so sad for him, she was his everything.
Love,
Kristen