Jessica's NorCal Service.

Jessica Michelle Terry Self

Wow, I don't know where to start. This weekend was more than I thought it would be. Saturday was one of those days where you just don't want to get out of bed. I just didn't want to meet the day. I didn't want to have to say goodbye officially. I just wanted to hide in bed underneath the covers all day pretending I didn't have to be anywhere or do anything. Ignoring all responsibility. 

I would have too... if it wasn't for someone putting that darn puppy in my bed (who likes to eat my hair), and mom walking in to see what I was doing.... I'm in bed... what do you think I'm doing?!?! I begrudgingly got out of bed to start the day. All I could think about was what was to come. Jess's memorial service... As much as I thought I was ready, I really wasn't. It seemed liked time slowed down. I was beginning to wonder if 5:30pm would ever roll around.

My dear cousin Christine called and let me know that everyone was at Justin & Gel's and to come on over.  When I first walked in the door, I was greeted by my Aunt Lisa. I gave her a great big hug, and could tell she was ready to burst into tears at the drop of hat. Her eyes filled with tears and we hugged and said our I Love Yous. Her hug was followed by my Uncle and cousins. I couldn't help but feel like everyone was waiting for me to break down. I'm sure they weren't its just my paranoia. 

Just as a side note:

I don't like crying in public anymore. I actually hate it. Which is weird, I used to cry at the drop of a hat. I just don't like it. I feel weak. I don't like talking about my feelings. I try to shove everything thing in tiny box and keep my most vulnerable moments private and hidden. When I first heard about Jessica, I cried at the initial shock, then I cried when I saw my Momere's face. The pain in her eyes and voice when she said to me, "You're not supposed to outlive your children let alone your grandchildren."  I cried for the pain she was feeling wishing I could make it better. After all was said and done, I walked into the garage, and told my husband I did not want to talk about it. I did not want anyone to bring it up to me at Easter. I wasn't ready. He said he understood, and when I wanted to he'd be there to listen.   

Back to Saturday:

I was so excited to see EVERYONE, but I'm sure my facial expression did not convey that. I could only imagine what I looked like, probably some twist of pain and constipation on face. (Just for the record I was constipation free!)  I stood awkwardly stood in the living room, everyone graciously trying to give the pregnant lady a seat. I wanted to hug Matt when I first saw him, but knowing how he feels about personal space I respected that. Although he did get up and hugged me later. Which made me feel great. 

We all just kind of chit chatted, no one really saying anything about anything. I got to see the wonderful picture memorial Gel made. There were wonderful pictures full of happy memories, and beautiful flowers in gorgeous vases lined her table. I kept asking everyone what they were wearing. I just didn't know how formal it was or not. Everyone started to get ready to head to the church to set up. I figured I should get home to get my own crew ready. I said my goodbyes and went back home. 

The next hour and half seemed to FLY by. Getting the boys ready is always an uphill battle. Trying to get the puppy situated was an experience in itself. The girls came over ready to go, we had to put windows and doors back on the jeep just to go. I thought we'd never make it on time. (Having a jeep is a lot of fun, but it seems like we're always having to put it together to go anywhere. Which seems to be more trouble then what its worth!) 

The drive to Gridley was nice. My sisters and I told Charles and Josh funny stories about living in the trailer, our biological father, Jessie, and the many car rides to Calvary Chapel of Gridley. We laughed till we almost wet ourselves. We pulled up to the church and it seemed so different. They painted it blue. I remember the faded green color, then I believe it was a beige and dark brown color. The blue was pretty. We walked in and it seemed small. I was immediately hugged by Brad Roberts. He is one of the men that I truly truly have a lot of respect for. He's always so happy and funny, but today he was in tears. It hurt. I was happy to see him in any case.  The place seemed so much smaller than I remembered. They took out the rows of pews and replaced them with chairs. There were soo many familiar faces. 

The first few rows were reserved for family, but we sat near the back of the church. The whole service was very nice. Jess would have loved it. Kristina and her husband made an awesome slide show. It was truly wonderful. In fact I made it through everything without spilling a tear until I saw the picture of her and I on that slide show. Tears quickly ran down my face and I felt foolish. Charles handed me tissues, and I cried and laughed through the rest of the slide show. Many friends and family members had the opportunity to get up and talk about Jessica. Everyone had such wonderful things to say about her. She was truly an amazing person who touched soooo many lives in soooo many ways. Brad got up and spoke throughout the entire service making us all laugh and cry. He did a great job. 

Afterwards we hugged our family and friends, there were refreshments down stairs. It was nice to see everyone and catch up if only for a minute. There were also a lot of new faces we met as well. It was just nice. The ride home seemed to fly by faster. No one really said much. By the time we got home Josh wasn't feeling well. He had a low grade fever, and complained of a tummy ache.  He was sure had nothing to do with pie, brownies, and cookies he managed to gobble up while I was busy hugging everyone. Charles offered to watch him so I could go see my family, but I just didn't think I could go without him. I needed his strength to be there with me. So we stayed home and took it easy. 

All in all it was good day. I thought about my family and reflected on my memories with her. I'll always cherish my memories with her. Always. There will never be another like her. 

Here is the slideshow that was played at her service.

Jessica Michelle Terry-Self

As many of you know my close cousin Jessica passed away on 4/11. It was terribly heartbreaking for our family. Her service here in Northern California, will be Saturday, April 25, 2009 at 5:30pm at the Calvary Chapel of Gridley. Located at 210 Park Street (the corner of Park and Cedar Streets) in Gridley, California. 

Jessica has been a big part of my entire life. From when we moved up to 

Colusa in '90 to now. I honestly believe if it weren't for the Internet, we would have been so close these past few years. Jessica and I reconnected via myspace/facebook about 2-3 years ago.  We would exchange emails, comments, and messages daily to each other. Late night talks also became frequent between us.  We could talk for hours on end and NEVER run out of stuff to say to each other. Even if we spent the majority of the day talking to each other online as well. 

Jessica was very happy living with her husband Matt in Mesa, Az. Well she wasn't CRAZY about the summers there, but she truly seemed happy. She came for a visit last summer, and had plans to be here this summer. I kick myself now, because we didn't take pictures when she was down last summer. We just forgot I guess. We spent good time together though. Really good time. We even stayed up ALL night one night talking... Jess, Nikki, Ashley and myself. It was great to just catch up like that. 

I was very angry for a long time, and possibly always will be angry about her passing. I know everyone says she's better where she is, but I can't believe this is true. Jessie loved babies. All her life that's all she ever wanted. She never got that chance, I feel like she was cheated out of her life. She wasn't done. There was so more she still needed to get done. We would talk about the future together forever. We were supposed to be old ladies together sitting on the porch arguing with one another, still listening to Hip Hop trying to be cool in our animal print hot pants. I don't know if I'll ever be at peace with her passing, all I can do is pray that one day I will be. 

I hope Saturday will bring her family and dear friends a little bit of closure. Some of us could not attend the service in Mesa, Az. I know for me personally, its been a really rough road. 

As excited as I am to see family this weekend, I wish everyday it wasn't for this reason. She was truly one of my best friends. I looked up to her so much for years and years now. I feel so lost sometimes. When I look at pictures of her its so hard for me to actually believe that she's gone. My heart feels like its been torn into hundreds of pieces and all I can find is scotch tape to mend it. It'll never be the same. 

I've been really feeling sorry for myself these past few weeks, and the light finally went off in my head... She wouldn't want me to act or feel this way. She'd probably smack me in the forehead and tell me to knock it off.  Then she'd wrap me in one of her hugs that only Jessica could give. You know those hugs... 

Jess I love you so very much. I'll never ever forget our lifetime of memories we shared. Thanks for everything!

Jessica Michelle Terry Self

May 19, 1976-April 11, 2009

My First Blog!! :)

I have no idea why I joined this. Seriously I have myspace, facebook, and now blogger. (I am refusing to get twitter) I figure this is a good place for people who don't "Socially network" on those sites to read about whats going on with our family! :) I'm excited to figure this out and blog about my everyday life, however mundane it might be! So thanks for stopping by and keep checking back! :)